Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Quirky Tales – A commentary on Indian Youth trends (errr…that includes me too)

I am no commentator. This isn’t a serious narration. I thought about it for fifteen minutes, and wrote it in twenty. It is a tongue in cheek rendition. Which brings me to the thought: Have you ever tried speaking with your tongue actually in your cheek. Try it. What you saying doesn’t seem to make much sense does it? Which makes me wonder if the original meaning of the phrase was ‘doesn’t make sense’? Either way, the below narration qualifies.

1. The SMS (also an acronym for Slow Moving stocks) – The English vowel is now redundant. Check out the below :

Wll ctch ltr
R u gng 4 da mvie
Wndring abt tht

Punctuation? You gotta be kidding

2. The contrasting effect of gravity on sex (gender you pervs ) Male – Gravity seems to be affecting the young Indian male clothing. The jeans are now answering the call of gravity to slide lower and lower, and sometimes, a wardrobe malfunction, reveals a lunar spectacle (also known as a full moon). However, Tommy Boy, a short pugilist, has stepped in as the fighting saviour and is now an accepted visual option. Never mind the fact that until some years ago, Tommy Boy would be a name given to mans best friend. Actually, the designer in question, Tommy Mil’finger is anyways a racist cur (refer Shakespeare). So things have come full circle.

The word Looney is derived from the word ‘Lunar’, as the moon was believed to be the cause of mad behaviour in ancient times. The cause, it seems, is now the syndrome.

3. The contrasting effect of gravity on sex Female – Girl leaves home to go to a party. She is dressed in nice black clothing with a jacket and scarf. The male escort awaits her in his vehicle. As soon as she is in the car, the jacket and scarf disappear to reveal a gravity defying tube top, almost in suspended animation. There is no strap to support it from the shoulder. There is no gallas (remember that device) to hold it from the trousers. Yet there is no wardrobe malfunction. The reaction of the young male to this transformation depends on the scenario he is in :

Delight, if he is trying to be her boyfriend, coz he may soon be dating her
Mild disapproval, if he already is
Absolute glee, if he is in neither category

The sounds of the Blue Danube Waltz are now more visible.

4. Upar Kya hai i.e. Whats Up – The walk has now been replaced by the bounce . Fingers are now in an awkward position, with the forefinger and little finger pointing upwards while saying “whats up”. Music is now actually nothing but talk, with some bits of a drum beat.

But the best is yet to come. Little did Messrs Gurdas Mann and Harbhajan Mann (Punjabi Folk singers) know that their surnames would soon be the third most used word in the vocabulary of the Indian dude. Only it is pronounced as a drawling “Whats Up Maaann…

Usage Suggestion : The above pronunciation can also be used to cover up a yawn.

5. Womans Liberation – Women are empowered. They also now pay their own bills. Atleast the intent is there. Women not paying is now an accessory driven issue, due to a three level leather device that women carry.

Bill/Check arrives.
Boy reaches for his wallet.
Girl says no, we shall share the bill.
Boy continues to reach for his wallet.
Girl takes bag 1. Puts it on table. She takes out Accessory 2, the Purse, from the bag. Inside purse is the wallet. Inside the wallet, inside compartment 3 is the cash which she begins to count.
The boy by this time, has been holding his single level accessory, the male wallet , for so long , that he pays up the entire amount just to show that he has some chivalry, and all intent.
Girl sighs. And everything disappears into the bag in less than 2 seconds.

We shall wait for Tommy Boy to come up with a female equivalent of the male wallet, to settle the gender wars, once and for all. We will then take up the racism issue.

6. The Firang syndrome – A lot more foreigners are now here. Earlier, you could not understand their accent, so nodding was a good option. Now, as comprehension is easier, you hear him talk, and while thinking (Kya keh raha hai Bhe%%od), you mumble a polite “Excuse Me”. Which reminds me of Will Smiths’ example of how India is a mix of modernity and tradition, with what he saw while driving through U.P. to Agra. He said that he saw a man talking on a mobile phone, alongside a woman in ‘ghoonghat’, and next to whom was a man shepherding buffalos.

Only now, if Mr. Smith took some time out from developing songs sponsored by the Government of Miami, and looked more closely, the woman would possibly be talking into a phone under the ghoonghat. And the man would be sitting on the buffalo using a hands free.

7. Chalo Party Karte Hai – Which means a group of guys going out together to a pub, checking out some ladies, and drinking loads of beer. The ladies on the other hand do not mind the attention. So, when the guy comes up to talk, she would take in all the attention, and then stamp him on the foot for acting fresh.

8. The Girl Group, sub-groups, and sub-sub-groups – Girl groups are a phenomenon that still mystify me. In a 4 member girl group for example, the actual number of groups are determined by the formula

4C1 + 4C2 + 4C3+4C4 (sometimes they talk to themselves too).

Each girl in the group has a sub-group. They all talk about others and each other to each other. Yet, they live in complete cohesion.

They should be a part of any course on how to create “Functional Teams”

9. The mobile phone – It is now whipped out every 2 minutes, as if an important call is expected. The actual cause, of course, is to check the time, or simply, play one more level of the game you were playing the previous time you whipped it out.

The handset, by the way, just cost you two months of the salary you are yet to receive.

10. The Diet – Dieting is a fad. Actually, to say you are dieting is. Refer to some of the ladies/males in question I have heard placing orders in a restaurant.

“One Roast Chicken, and Fresh lime soda”
“Ek plate Pao bhaji, aur ek plate bhel puri, with mineral water”

And the winner…
“One plate Butter chicken, one dal makhani, two butter nans….and Diet Coke”

If anything in the above rendition offended you, that’s another quirk : You probably were laughing until the one that offended you came up. But that’s another story.

If nobody was…I may risk a sequel.