Coming out of the closet. In Punjab

A closet door opens. M comes out of it and starts walking with a determined look on his face, and fearful feeling in his heart. What would his parents say?

He enters the drawing room – where his parents and all his Ludhiana relatives are sitting; holding their drinks in their hand and laughing loudly; talking at the top of their voices to outshout each other.

He says loudly “Papa, mujhe kucch kehna tha”

Papa replies “ Bolo beta..accha just pass me the scotch from there”

“Papa mujhe mundiaan naal”..suddenly there is pin drop silence. “Papa mujho ladko ke saath..matlab ladkiyon ke saath..sharaab peena pasand nahin hain; mujho ladkon ke saath bhi sharaab peena pasand nahin hain”…everyone starts to look concerned..

“Infact sach to yeh hain ki mujho sharaab ka taste hi pasand nahin hain”

The entire family is shocked. Stare at each other, no idea how to respond. Religious nani looks on lovingly, Drunkard Uncle looks..well drunk. ‘Free’totaller cousin brother looks totalled. Alcoholic aunty gulps her wine down protectively. Aunty 2 who hates the taste too, but cant admit it, puts her glass down in relief.

Frequent ‘social’ drinker Father looks embarrassed, looks up and says “Tu kesa Punjabi hain”

“But papa, I am Punjabi. I love kulchas. Tandoori chicken vi pasand hain. I love lassi; and infact think ‘gudd’ is pretty good too..”

Drunk Uncle “Oye chup oye. Papa naal muh ladhanda hain. Pher drinks noo na chhua te haath kaat daanga”

Cousin “Tussi ainvayee naraaz ho rahe munde te. Nahin pasand te nahin pasand. Koi nahin beta, tu beer hi pee le...”

Move to scene where Mom & Dad are talking later

Dad : “Tune bigaad diya munde nu. Aur karo dharmik baatein. Aur baato gyaan. Aur kisne bola tha ki Fruit Beer pilaane ko”

Mom : “Aapne hi bola tha. Aapne socha Fruit Beer ka matlab hain Kingfisher mein Seb. Aur waise bhi, whats the problem. Non-veg to khaata hain, cigarette bhi kabhi kabhi mere se chura leta..aur pichle hafte I saw him smoking a joint too”

Dad : “No..thats not the same thing! Smoking is against our culture! Alcohol is the real thing; the sign of a true Punjabi. Mujhe to shak ho raha hain, ki ab DNA test karoon”

Mom : “How dare you? Bhool gaye ki he burped out loud in every single party till last year? What other proof do you want he is your child?” Mom runs off crying.

Dad : Hum to lut gaye. Kaun shaadi karega iske saath?

Next few days in Ludhiana – social ostracisation begins :

“Tu suneya Kapoor ji de munde de baare ch?”

“Munda boli da mitha hain, meinoon ki pata si je wo..”

“Saw him at 6 am that day when I was heading home. Looked completely sober even at that time! Wtf is wrong with him”

“Lets not call him for the cards party. People will be uncomfortable. What will I offer him?”

“I believe in equality of rights. To each his own. Like mine is Black Label, Happy likes Mc Dowells and Goldie from Canada likes Rosy wine”

Next Party – a day before M and family head back to Delhi

Uncle : “Aao beta aao. Kya loge. Dhoka Cola banaoo?”

Aunty : :Aur beta, Kaise ho. Peena shuru kiya ke phir relapse ho gaye ho Sprite pe”

Papa : “Nahin nahin, rehn do ji. Munda te khota nikleya..”

M now breaks out angrily : “Papa..sab aapki galti hain. (Now sadly with background score) 15 ki umar mein aapne hi bola – yeh le beta beer pee le. Itna kadwa taste, ki uske baad mujhe taste pasand hi nahin aaya. Aur college ke time ka saara rebellion to aapne us hi din nikaal diya – jab baap hi pila raha hain to rebel kisse karoon?”

Last scene : M slowly walks towards the closet, opens it and sits down. Angrily opens a bottle of mineral water; gulping it down bottoms up; much like Bollywood heroes down whiskey bottles. Music plays in the background….Mujhe peeni hain peeni hain..

The Taste Of Nostalgia

I grew up in Calcutta, err, Kolkata. Down the road from my house, there was this delectable little bakery shop called, Kookie Jar. It was the highlight of my week – laboring through tasks like school and tuitions to reach the day I would be able to sink my teeth into the creamy, soft, mouth watering bite of the Chocolate Pyramid, and over time, even the Chocolate Swiss Roll. When that weekly day arrived – that was all I could think of; the build up to the moment of eating was all encompassing. As I ate it, I slowly savoured each bite and when it was done – it lingered on for sometime – kind of like a moment of taste filled bliss that lasted the day. The longing coming back the next day – and the slow wait begins again, hovering in the back of the mind as one went through the week. As I grew up, it became my go to place, an instant uplift when I was low, my mental escape when things were stressful and my treat to myself for a job well done. As I moved out of the city, it was the one thing I looked out for – if anyone going back to Kolkata, friends, family, even the girlfriend – my standard one liner “Can you please carry back some Choc Swiss Roll” and I would do whatever it takes to pick it up! Honestly, sometimes I couldn’t even hide the excitement and the reason behind it – less about meeting the person and more about the pastries – am sure it was not hidden to them but were kind enough to oblige. It was bliss even then just to taste it again – and when I met friends from Kolkata we bonded over how there is just nothing like KJ. Having travelled and tried a Chocolate pastry almost everywhere I went; I unabashedly declared it was the best bakery in India, if not the world.

And one day I did the never before – I shared a bite with someone. Ok, so don’t get me wrong, I am not very selfish, and I like to share things. But with dessert, and certainly Kookie Jar, I just couldn’t bring myself to miss even one bite of that heavenly creation. But one day, in a moment of generosity, I did. And he looked at it, slowly bit it and said ‘Nice’. What!!?? Nice. That’s all you have to say? Have you ever tasted anything so divine. He said, not the same type, but yes I have had equally delicious desserts – different but delicious. I felt cheated, I remember, betrayed, that he react like this to my favourite dessert, and that too, when I shared from my small portion of 4 pastries. And, over the years, as my ability to wolf down four pastries in a few hours went down, forcing me to offer some to others, including my wife – it was the same reaction. Infact, my wife did like Kookie Jar, but something entirely different, the Lemon Tart.

And it slowly started to dawn on me, that maybe, just maybe, it was not as delicious as I believe. But what could be the difference – they admitted it was delicious, just not the best. What was the factor making the difference. And then it struck me, the feeling eating it brings to me – is a feeling you can get only when you have grown up with it. Its authentic taste and the good feelings it brings along with it. That taste, one I am getting now even as I write it, is real, its stored in the memories of my taste glands – is perhaps the Taste of Nostalgia – and I guess that’s why I no longer waste time trying to convince anyone on how good it is. My wife has learnt not to express any comparative opinion about it, and happily enjoy her Lemon Tart. And for the idiots who have dared to dislike it, or are the types who say no to dessert and promptly dig into one when its on the table, its one thing they are never offered. ‘Coz have learnt, like so many things, the taste experience too is subjective. And subjectively speaking, they're just idiots.

Taste Experience formulas for favourite food
Taste Experience formula (for solo consumption) – The actual taste + The taste of the feelings it brings
Taste Experience formula (for group consumption) – The actual taste + The taste of the feelings it brings – gut wrenching feeling of muted reactions/low excitement levels

Quirky Tales – A commentary on Indian Youth trends (errr…that includes me too)

I am no commentator. This isn’t a serious narration. I thought about it for fifteen minutes, and wrote it in twenty. It is a tongue in cheek rendition. Which brings me to the thought: Have you ever tried speaking with your tongue actually in your cheek. Try it. What you saying doesn’t seem to make much sense does it? Which makes me wonder if the original meaning of the phrase was ‘doesn’t make sense’? Either way, the below narration qualifies.

1. The SMS (also an acronym for Slow Moving stocks) – The English vowel is now redundant. Check out the below :

Wll ctch ltr
R u gng 4 da mvie
Wndring abt tht

Punctuation? You gotta be kidding

2. The contrasting effect of gravity on sex (gender you pervs ) Male – Gravity seems to be affecting the young Indian male clothing. The jeans are now answering the call of gravity to slide lower and lower, and sometimes, a wardrobe malfunction, reveals a lunar spectacle (also known as a full moon). However, Tommy Boy, a short pugilist, has stepped in as the fighting saviour and is now an accepted visual option. Never mind the fact that until some years ago, Tommy Boy would be a name given to mans best friend. Actually, the designer in question, Tommy Mil’finger is anyways a racist cur (refer Shakespeare). So things have come full circle.

The word Looney is derived from the word ‘Lunar’, as the moon was believed to be the cause of mad behaviour in ancient times. The cause, it seems, is now the syndrome.

3. The contrasting effect of gravity on sex Female – Girl leaves home to go to a party. She is dressed in nice black clothing with a jacket and scarf. The male escort awaits her in his vehicle. As soon as she is in the car, the jacket and scarf disappear to reveal a gravity defying tube top, almost in suspended animation. There is no strap to support it from the shoulder. There is no gallas (remember that device) to hold it from the trousers. Yet there is no wardrobe malfunction. The reaction of the young male to this transformation depends on the scenario he is in :

Delight, if he is trying to be her boyfriend, coz he may soon be dating her
Mild disapproval, if he already is
Absolute glee, if he is in neither category

The sounds of the Blue Danube Waltz are now more visible.

4. Upar Kya hai i.e. Whats Up – The walk has now been replaced by the bounce . Fingers are now in an awkward position, with the forefinger and little finger pointing upwards while saying “whats up”. Music is now actually nothing but talk, with some bits of a drum beat.

But the best is yet to come. Little did Messrs Gurdas Mann and Harbhajan Mann (Punjabi Folk singers) know that their surnames would soon be the third most used word in the vocabulary of the Indian dude. Only it is pronounced as a drawling “Whats Up Maaann…

Usage Suggestion : The above pronunciation can also be used to cover up a yawn.

5. Womans Liberation – Women are empowered. They also now pay their own bills. Atleast the intent is there. Women not paying is now an accessory driven issue, due to a three level leather device that women carry.

Bill/Check arrives.
Boy reaches for his wallet.
Girl says no, we shall share the bill.
Boy continues to reach for his wallet.
Girl takes bag 1. Puts it on table. She takes out Accessory 2, the Purse, from the bag. Inside purse is the wallet. Inside the wallet, inside compartment 3 is the cash which she begins to count.
The boy by this time, has been holding his single level accessory, the male wallet , for so long , that he pays up the entire amount just to show that he has some chivalry, and all intent.
Girl sighs. And everything disappears into the bag in less than 2 seconds.

We shall wait for Tommy Boy to come up with a female equivalent of the male wallet, to settle the gender wars, once and for all. We will then take up the racism issue.

6. The Firang syndrome – A lot more foreigners are now here. Earlier, you could not understand their accent, so nodding was a good option. Now, as comprehension is easier, you hear him talk, and while thinking (Kya keh raha hai Bhe%%od), you mumble a polite “Excuse Me”. Which reminds me of Will Smiths’ example of how India is a mix of modernity and tradition, with what he saw while driving through U.P. to Agra. He said that he saw a man talking on a mobile phone, alongside a woman in ‘ghoonghat’, and next to whom was a man shepherding buffalos.

Only now, if Mr. Smith took some time out from developing songs sponsored by the Government of Miami, and looked more closely, the woman would possibly be talking into a phone under the ghoonghat. And the man would be sitting on the buffalo using a hands free.

7. Chalo Party Karte Hai – Which means a group of guys going out together to a pub, checking out some ladies, and drinking loads of beer. The ladies on the other hand do not mind the attention. So, when the guy comes up to talk, she would take in all the attention, and then stamp him on the foot for acting fresh.

8. The Girl Group, sub-groups, and sub-sub-groups – Girl groups are a phenomenon that still mystify me. In a 4 member girl group for example, the actual number of groups are determined by the formula

4C1 + 4C2 + 4C3+4C4 (sometimes they talk to themselves too).

Each girl in the group has a sub-group. They all talk about others and each other to each other. Yet, they live in complete cohesion.

They should be a part of any course on how to create “Functional Teams”

9. The mobile phone – It is now whipped out every 2 minutes, as if an important call is expected. The actual cause, of course, is to check the time, or simply, play one more level of the game you were playing the previous time you whipped it out.

The handset, by the way, just cost you two months of the salary you are yet to receive.

10. The Diet – Dieting is a fad. Actually, to say you are dieting is. Refer to some of the ladies/males in question I have heard placing orders in a restaurant.

“One Roast Chicken, and Fresh lime soda”
“Ek plate Pao bhaji, aur ek plate bhel puri, with mineral water”

And the winner…
“One plate Butter chicken, one dal makhani, two butter nans….and Diet Coke”


If anything in the above rendition offended you, that’s another quirk : You probably were laughing until the one that offended you came up. But that’s another story.

If nobody was…I may risk a sequel.